唔明阿媽

講真我已經對這個家心灰意冷。

不是我沒試，是他們不能接受。

我，已經和他們的距離越來越遠了。

好想離開這裡，獨立生活。

公公婆婆，我好挂住你們啊！

頭痛

文字，仿佛把我的心情平靜翻。

卻, 每次遇到不開心既時候，沒有說話的對像。

ask help, ask myself for help.

每天聽緊的judy and mary 仿佛不再blue tears 或 daydream了。

把精神記舵在日文上，assignment 上。

但每當沒有野做的時候，又念負面既野。

lengleng is sick

a day without computer is indeed hard to describe.

you can’t really do anything except reading, thinking and finding stuff to kill time …

yes, i finally settled down listening to some japanese lesson last night when 20+ attempts of restart is done. i know it’s gonna cost a fortune getting lengleng to repair.

but i need that computer so much.

i was thinking to buy an i-mac. just think. 2000+. i can afford a new one but i i can’t afford to work more. because i’m just lazy ass. not even with 10.00 an hour. hahah

眼淚，為誰而溜。

我喜歡哭，因為哭完個人會很累。 然後睡了，第二天就是新的一天。

近來，好像每星期都哭一場。 

好像很激動，我把一切和他有關系的都掉了。

我已經對這段感情沒什麼希望了。我放太多感情下去，傷害了自己。

眼淚，請停一停，好嗎？

bits of life

i have decided to stop taking my japanese classes, i would learn by myself. 

because it’s too damn expensive. 

other than other, my aunt and my cousin are coming this friday. 

my aunt has decided to not tell my dad she is coming. which is quite odd. 

my life is filled with mundane classes and moody feeling. 

i have to pay back a lot of bills, which i feel helpless because no one can actually help me. 

my relationship with my parent is still the same. i don’t wanna approach them because they live in their own world. 

relationship with him is still the same. i sometime complain but it’s all good. for the  6 months celebration,  i ended up working. he came with something he cooked for dinner. which to my standard, was a crappy celebration. the meal was good but it could be better. there was no flower, no present, no card, but 2 boxes of bendo. I guess i deserved better than that. 

To kill the overall disappointment, i decided to treat myself with a japanese drama. which i ordered on thursday i think, and today, i received it, in additional with the two japanese book. the drama was in pure japanese, no subtitle, which force me to understand what they are saying. 

my room is messy. maybe it’s time to do a grand melange. 

whenever i hear people talking, it seems like i’m hearing they speak japanese. 

hahah, funny. 

大出血

今日有D失落， 在家做cleaning； 一念到媽唔會讚我一句就覺得好似做來都沒有用。 

但自己住系這個家， 唔多唔少都要做D野。 

近排一唔開心，我就會做自己喜歡的activity. 例如一個人唱K， 玩tetris, 看書。。。

而今日， 我給我的黑白灰baba增加了藍黃。

去了urban 買了一張carpet. 跟一條男裝scarf. 哈哈， 有D變態。成日都買D男裝scarf。

就是這樣，用了兩天既糧了。

 

 

depression still goes on

I may look happy when i’m outside with people.in fact, i’m totally depressed when i’m alone.thinking about my mistake, error and other bad stuff i have done lately.this feeling is overpowering my life now.i’m afraid one day i’m gonna hit a breakdown and do something stupid.i hate myself and i hate being treated like that by my parents because they don’t understand me and i’m too selfish thinking about myself at first.i don’t know , really don’t know.tears are dropping one by one  while i’m typing each letter. i guess it’s okay to shed tears.it’s okay to release your emotion.it’s okay to feel downward…..i’m stuck in a position that i want my life to be that way but because my culture and traditional belief pull me back to do so. family is indeed important, but when it gets to the point that it intervenes in your thinking, friends and studies, you will feel a lack of freedom and respect from the people who you love the most. 

short of water

I feel bad today when he pays for my paper and printing work. Anyways, i’ll pay him back the next time i see him.  been spending a lot lately, like pouring water. tuition fee is due soon. and i have to pay for my private japanese course. what else, books on amazon and shits that i bought during christmas time. OMG! 

tension

there is a chinese song called tension in mandarin i think.mom is in a bad mood today, cuz grandpa is sick and she is worried. she thinks about mi too, the fact that i have to make choices. and she worries about her husbund health.….i guess being a woman with some many responsibilities/titles (mom, daughter and wife) is not easy. mom always thinks positively, unlike dad. she dreams to win the lottery everyday. she works really really hard and take cares us really really well.i have to understand her but sometime her indecisive mind bothers me a lot. ….i suggest that grandpa could go to pension house cuz at least there is people taking care of him. He refused when i proposed that last year. mom don’t think that’s a good solution right now cuz she’s afraid grandpa would get a heart attack by knowing that no one wants to take care of him. grandma left us 2 years ago. and grandpa lives alone now in china. mom and i would go back once every two year visit him and spend time with him for 1 month or so. to my knowledge, grandpa is a nice gentleman but lack of confident. He is always the little man behind grandma. … i dont’ know what i can do to help my mom feel less tensed. I guess i better try not to talk with her. Today, I ask her if i can use the oven, she says dont’ waste electricity. -______-….I have my own decision to make too. so i got a little bit frustrated when i talked with mom a while ago. but i’m sure tomorrow it’s gonna be fine.